Julius Caesar gone wrong
by Perc Mad Hatter
Summary: RAted for violence... this is an extremely lame parody of Julius Caesar. since the world abounds with lameness, i thought i'd just add a little more lameness to it... i changed the title cos it wasn't appropriate.
1. Default Chapter

The revenge of the minor characters in Julius Caesar  
  
Disclaimer: I'm not the bard. I'm just an extremely bored person who is damn sick of studying for the O'level Chinese paper. I know I'm lame, so review and tell me I'm lame!!! Suggestions are welcomed.  
  
Acknowledgements: Some of the things said in here are from my friends or from schoolmates. I hereby thank all whom I stole the ideas from. I'd like to thank Mrs Grim, from whom I borrowed the idea of revenge of the minor characters.  
  
  
  
Julius Caesar  
  
  
  
Act 1 scene 1  
  
Rome. A lousy street, lots of litter lying around  
  
Flavius: Hence! Home, you idle creatures, get you home. Is this a holiday? (Aside) This place is really dirty!  
  
Marullus: Answer to us, you lowly scum!  
  
Carpenter: NO! I'm a stupid plebeian. I can't talk sense.  
  
Flavius: What trade, thou knave? Thou naughty knave, what trade? (aside) Maybe I could fine them, and earn some spare cash.  
  
Cobbler: I'm an illegal drug trafficker. you want anything? I supply the best in Rome, ice, pills, glue, you name it. What do you want?  
  
Marullus: These narcotics haven't been invented yet.  
  
Cobbler: Oh. Fine. I'm a third-grade cobbler who is a murderer by night. I'm also quite a proficient gravedigger.  
  
Marullus: Absolute! Rubbish! What! Are! You! Doing! Here!  
  
Cobbler: To drive you crazy. [Marullus starts to swell noticeably. Cobbler hurriedly adds] But indeed, we are partying cos we hero-worship Caesar! (and his money)  
  
Flavius: [butts in before Marullus exploded] You can't do that! You have to work. That's why you're paid.  
  
Road sweeper: No. I'm only paid a measly amount of five drachmas. that's why I'm two-timing as a pimp.  
  
Marullus: You pervert! Who taught you that! We gave you ten years of sound barbaric Roman culture training, civics and moral educations!!!  
  
Road sweeper: Bugger the schools.  
  
Flavius: You're fined twenty-five dravhmas for foul language!  
  
Road sweeper: *grumble* Damn!  
  
Flavius: Another twenty-five drachmas. pay up!  
  
Road sweeper: *glares * Sic 'em, guys!  
  
[Plebeians throw rotten cabbage, tomato, coconut, potatoes and eggs at the astonished tribunes]  
  
Marullus: [red in the face] YOU INGRATES! HOW DARE YOU! You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things! You used to worship Pompous Pompey, (not that I care) now you lick Sissy Caesar's feet! You don't pay your taxes and fines! You don't even VOTE for us in the elections! I had to bribe the senate to keep me as a tribune! You don't even clean the road! SHAME ON ALL OF YOU! GET LOST! SCRAM! BE GONE!  
  
Cobbler: * glares* Get lost yourselves! You aritosiccies all so dammitably pround. Treat us like shit. we'll show you! REALLY sic 'em boys! They'll go down to hades, screaming!  
  
[Daggers appear, thrown at the tribunes. Marullus receives a chest wound. Flavius' eye got put out.]  
  
Marullus: This. Is. The. Final. Straw. TAKE THIS! [ Empties three rounds of bullets in the cobbler. bloody stumps and brain matter splatter on the pavement]  
  
Plebians: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Blazing pop-sticks! Run!  
  
[Crowd runs away, screaming, leaving behind the weapons]  
  
Flavius: Och. This wound hurts. [Picks up the daggers to sell to a blacksmith] Drachmas.  
  
Marullus: *rolls eyes * money face!  
  
Flavius: Your actions were rather extreme. I fine you twenty five drachmas for littering the pavement!  
  
Marullus: What the hell. Wanna die, is it? *laughs maniacally, pointing the muzzle of the pistol in Flavius' directions*  
  
Flavius: I said nothing! I'm going home. Don't worry about the mess, I'll get someone to clean it up. [runs away]  
  
Marullus: HA! No one can stop me! No one! I'm go on a killing spree. Caesar shall fall! Adolf Marullus shall rise as Fuhrer of Rome! I will rule the world!  
  
[Marullus runs down the street, headshotting every plebeian he meets. The words' Multi-kill' appeared next to him. It got wiped off immediately. A voice from above roars, "dAmmit! You got the wrong server! CS in the another world!"]  
  
  
  
  
  
Lame, yes? Wrote this during a Chinese mock exam practise. tts why it's so corny. my brain was scrambled by the ci yus. 


	2. A1S2 A stupid Brutus, a dead Marullus an...

Chappie two up now! I'm going nuts with lameness. reviews please! And blur block, u got ur wish, I've updated. happy?  
  
Disclaimer: the madness of the story belongs to me and me alone. The plot is also mine since I mutilated the script. Shakespeare can't sue me, he's long dead. if u pple wanna sue me, I'll set Satan on u.  
  
Act1 scene 2  
  
[Flourish. Enter a bunch of idiots]  
  
Caesar: [bellowing] Wife! Get over here now!  
  
Calphurnia: Yes, dear, I'm co-  
  
Casca: Shut up! Caesar's speaking!  
  
Caesar: [glares at Casca] Hey! Only I am allowed to speak like that to my wife! You're fined a 100 drachmas for inappropriate address of your superiors!  
  
Casca: What do you mean by superiors? She's a woman! She's lower than me!  
  
Caesar: As a female, she is the lowest of all human beings, but as my wife, she is higher than everyone except for me and Antony.  
  
Casca: [grumbles] wait till I get my dagger into you. you'll regret that you insulted me.  
  
Caesar: [clears throat importantly] Wife, stand next to the road.  
  
Calphurnia: ???  
  
Caesar: Antony, heel! When your running, touch my consort, so I can get kds and then.  
  
Antony: [nods stupidly] yep. Sir! Me do what you tell me to do.  
  
Caesar: Great! Now, let's all go for the luncheon held in my honour!  
  
Announcer: Psst! Soothsayer! Your line!  
  
Soothsayer: Waait! Erm. Ave Caesar! Hey! Over here!  
  
Casca: Oi, you great swaggering brat you! Someone's calling you!  
  
Caesar: WHAT did you call me?!  
  
Casca: Errrrrrr. Most high, most mighty Caesar, a supplicant doth approach!  
  
Caesar: That's better, you useless bum.  
  
Casca: Whatdaya mean by useless bum! I help you make announcements and I don't even get paid!  
  
[The two face each other, screaming insults.]  
  
Soothsayer: Ahem! [Taps foot impatiently. Glares at the two shrieking senators.] Childish politicians, heed me!  
  
Casca: Stop for the moment! Someone just insulted both of us!  
  
Caesar: What!!! Never! Foolish old grandpa, say your piece!  
  
Casca: Yes! Splutter your two-cents worth of 'Beware the ides of march' and be gone!  
  
Caesar: What is he suppose to say?  
  
Soothsayer: [booms prophetically] Beware the ides of March!  
  
Caesar: I'm sorry, what did you say?  
  
Soothsayer: [declaims loudly] Beware the ides of March!  
  
Brutus: He sa-id to be-ware the ides of ma-arch. Must pro-n-once my con-sta- nants pro-per-ly.  
  
Caesar: I didn't catch what you said.  
  
Soothsayer: [shrieks madly] I SAID BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH! ARE YOU DEAF OR WHAT?  
  
Caesar: Yes, I'm deaf in one ear. So what? Sue me! And what you said was sentimental junk. Let's go eat. I'm hungry.  
  
Soothsayer: [hollers at the top of his voice] YOU INSOLENT FOOL! IF YOU HEED NOT THE PORTENTS SENT TO YOU, YOU WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH! PAID ATTEN-[ breaks down, coughing. He wheezes] Damn! I need lozenges!  
  
Caesar: Lets go!  
  
Soothsayer: [snarls] Fine! I hope your friends backstab you! Lousy arrogant dictator!  
  
[Everyone leaves, except for Brutus and Cassius. Brutus tries to leave, but Cassius grabs hold of his toga.]  
  
Brutus: W-hat are you do-ing? [stares blankly at Cassius]  
  
Cassius: Quit moving! I've got something important to tell you!  
  
Brutus: W-hat is more im-port-tant than my sto-mach?  
  
Cassius: A lot of things. Tell me, Brutus, can you see your face?  
  
Brutus: No? Yes? No?  
  
Cassius: [feels forehead for a fever] Do. You. Like. Kings?  
  
Brutus: Me no like kings. Me no like kings. Me no like kings. Me no like kin-  
  
Cassius: OKOK! I get the point. Now, what about Caesar?  
  
Brutus: Caesar nice! He give me money and food!  
  
Cassius: What if Caesar became king? What would you do?  
  
Brutus: King Caesar? No, Caesar no king. Caesar is mighty general, not king!  
  
Cassius: What if??? Say, on a hypothical basis?  
  
Brutus: Cannot. Cos Rome got no king. You stupid!  
  
Cassius: ME STUPID??? You, accuse ME of being stupid?  
  
Brutus: [nods stupidly] Yep. You stupid.  
  
Cassius: [rolls eyes] I have tolerate this imbecile.  
  
[Caesar and Antony enter. Caesar has a black eye and a broken nose, Antony looks rather sheepish.]  
  
Caesar: Move off! I'm using the stage now. I'm Caesar, get lost!  
  
Cassius: Stupid, insufferable show-off, I'll leave because I cannot stand being in your overwhelming presence.  
  
Caesar: How dare you! Antony, get the-  
  
[Brutus and Cassius exit]  
  
Caesar: Antony, its all your fault that I didn't get to kill Cassius! [hits Antony on the arm]  
  
Antony: Oww. Sorry boss.  
  
Caesar: And you threw the crown at me! You're supposed to offer it to me and I'll refuse it! Not you throwing it at me! The bruises hurt! What a lamentable mess!  
  
Antony: Sorry boss.  
  
Caesar: Never mind Antony, we'll take over the world later, now, I'll lick my wounds.  
  
[Marullus comes in, running.]  
  
Marullus: Bow before me! I, Adolf Marullus commands you!  
  
Caesar: Leave me alone! Let me sulk in peace! Wait a minute! You command me??? You are but a lowly tribune, do not presume to command me! I am Caesar! Greater than Zesus! How dare you command me! You are not even fit to wash my feet let alone to talk to me! Away!  
  
Marullus: [foaming at the mouth] I rule the world!  
  
Caesar: No you don't! I rule the world! Antony, kill that usurper!  
  
Antony: Yes, boss!  
  
[Marullus and Antony proceed to duel, using pillows. Soon, by dint of superior strength, Antony forced Marullus upon his knees. Taking out a bloster, Antony bludgeons Marullus to death.]  
  
Caesar: Good boy! [throws biscuits at Antony, Antony catches and wolfs them down.]  
  
Antony: Biscuits tasty. Boss happy, me happy.  
  
Caesar: [pats Antony on the head] Let's go. Maybe we can plot about how to kill all of my political rivals and take over the world.  
  
[Caesar and Antony walk off, talking loudly about hangings, exile and assassins. Brutus and Cassius walk back in.]  
  
Cassius: (aside) I'd better get Casca over, if I'm stuck with Brutus for more than 20 minutes I will go stark raving mad.  
  
Brutus: Caesar no give me food. so sad.  
  
Cassius: ARGH! Casca, please come over!  
  
Casca: Hiya. What did you call me for?  
  
Cassius: To save Brutus. I'll strangle him soon.  
  
Casca: He does have the effect on sane people.  
  
Cassius: So, why is Caesar looking so batter?  
  
Casca: The correct tense is 'battered' in the past participant.  
  
Cassius: [looks disgruntled] Whatever.  
  
Casca: [snort] Cos Antony, the residential genius threw three crowns at Caesar. One hit his nose, one hit his left eye and the last one hit a delicate place which I shall not name.  
  
Casius: I should have known! Caesar's getting ambitious. and I thought Antony had more brains in him. plus, I don't think Caesar had reckoned on Antony's bad aim!!!  
  
Casca: The plebeians were VERY amused by the incident. they started cheering.  
  
Cassius: Typical. Just typical.  
  
Casca: Mark my words, Caesar's going to try another gimmick to gain power soon, we'd better do something before his scheme to rule the world actually succeeds.  
  
Cassius: Well, I suppose that I could form a conspiracy and take over Rome and massacre everyone single one of my opponents. Hmmm, good idea!  
  
Brutus: What is a con-spi-racy? [Starts prodding Casca]  
  
Cassius: Brutus! Behave yourself!  
  
Brutus: Me no wanna behave. Me wanna poke people.  
  
Cassius and Casca: [rolls eyes] Of all the stupid idiots.  
  
Cassius: GET LOST! Brutus, go home, go bother Portia or something. We've got important things to discuss.  
  
Casca: Yes. Scram.  
  
Brutus: No. Me wanna hear what you say.  
  
Casca: Go or I'll tell Portia you've playing around. Brutus: NOOOOOOOOO! I'll go home, straight away.  
  
[Exits hastily. Cassius and Casca start laughing.]  
  
Cassius: Now, tell you what, come over for dinner tonight and we'll have a nice gossip about Caesar.  
  
Casca: Sure. and we can get drunk as well.  
  
Cassius: Swell. Bye!  
  
Casca: Cya!  
  
Cassius: See you tomorrow.  
  
Casca: Yep.  
  
Cassius: Aren't you supposed to be gone?  
  
Casca: Well, I suppose I've gtg.  
  
Cassius: We're not chatting. you can't say gtg in speech.  
  
Casca: Yes I can, we've been talking. A synonym of talking is chatting. Since we've been chatting, I can use the word gtg.  
  
Cassius: Whatever. As always, you have illogical logic and logical illogic.  
  
Casca: Whatever. BYE!  
  
[Casca finally leaves.]  
  
Cassius: Finally! I'm alone so I can make my vengeful soliloquy. I shall twist brutus to suit my needs, when he has served my purpose, maybe I'll torture him before killing him. Just for entertainment, after all, the coliseum hasn't been invented and I'm not allowed to have a television, only Great Caesar can have one. HAHA! I shall kill Caesar and Antony and Brutus and Cicero and everyone else that I don't like. And after this, let Caesar seat him sure, for we will shake him, or worse days endure.  
  
[Cassius exits dramatically, with a flourish, the orchestra plays a ominous overture.] 


	3. A1S3 part one no time, sorry Stupid Casc...

Chappie three up! Haha! My lameness has reached new heights! Award me with reviews. Sorry for not update. Been working at the lousy Mint. Packing stupid coins. * glowers at spore mint * this will be short. Sorry.  
  
Act1 scene 3  
  
Rome. A street. Thunder and lightning. Enter from opposite sides, Casca, with a staff of office and Cicero with a white plastic bag.  
  
Cicero: Ah! Hi! How are you? How is Caesar? [a brightly false voice, hiding a packet behind his back.]  
  
Casca: Yeah. So so.  
  
Cicero: [sees Casca properly for the first time] What the hell are you doing with that stick???  
  
Casca: It's not a stick!!!  
  
Cicero: Then what? A lollypop?  
  
Casca: !!! It's my staff of office! No one is allowed to harm a senator.  
  
Cicero: Who says? Publius was mugged three times in the night! In the end, he ended up at home in his birthday suit.  
  
Casca: Oh. But they wouldn't dare to harm me!!! I'm too important.  
  
Cicero: Choke. Splutter. Cough. YOU?!  
  
Casca: Hey! I shall ignore you.  
  
Cicero: You mean you will try to ignore me. You will fail miserably.  
  
Casca: .  
  
Cicero: Anyway, why carry it around? I have one too and I don't go around showing it to everyone.  
  
Casca: Are you blind or what?  
  
Cicero: Well.  
  
Casca: Are not you moved, when the scolding winds Shakes like a thing unfirm? O Cicero, I have seen tempests, when the scolding winds Have rived the knotty oaks, and I have seen Th' ambitious ocean swell, and rage, and foam, To be exalted with the threat'ning clouds; But never till tonight, never till now, Did I go through a tempest dropping fire.  
  
Cicero: Fire? It's called lightning. Limited vocabulary.  
  
[Flames start raining on Cicero, setting him on fire]  
  
Cicero: Owwwwwwwwww! Quit it! I get the point! Tempest dropping fire. Yes, its correct! Stop raining fire on me!  
  
Satan (Narrator): Don't try to contradict me! [sends one last fireball down at Cicero. The raining and lightning continues, the two Romans get wet]  
  
Casca: [glares] As I was saying. Either there is a civil strife in heaven, Or else the world, too saucy with the gods, Incenses them to send destruction.  
  
Cicero: Errrrrrr. Why do you sound like an Ancient Briton? We're Ancient Romans, not Elizabethan actors!  
  
Casca: What Ancient Romans? I'm not dead yet!!!  
  
Cicero: [smacks his head] NVM!!!  
  
Casca: And what do you mean by Ancient Britons speaking like I did? All they say are grunts and moans.not even a crude alphabet. just primitive noises. (Author's notes: I believe the noise guys make comes close to that description. :p )  
  
Cicero: I mean in the future.  
  
Casca: Huh? You are phsyco.  
  
Cicero: !!! [looks offended] You spoke in Olden English.  
  
Casca: Huh? I'm speaking in Greek and a corrupted version of Latin, what's English? There is no place named Englis.  
  
Cicero: URGH! Ignorant fool! This play, Julius Caesar, is writt-  
  
Casca: Wait a minute, why is it named after Caesar? He's not that great.  
  
Cicero: Ask Shakespeare, he wrote the play, not me. Anyway, since by that typically blank look on your face tells me that you have never heard of the bard, I'll give you a brief summary.  
  
Casca: K. [rolls eyes, clearly thinking Cicero had finally cracked]  
  
Cicero: William Shakespeare is a drunkard sod and he writes cheesy plays. Incidentally, according to Xin, he's gay and he writes amazingly sappy sonnets. Somehow, people like what he wrote and called him 'The Bard'  
  
Casca: Whatever.  
  
Cicero: [looks offended] I tell you all this useful future knowledge and all you can say is 'Whatever'?  
  
Casca: [shrugs] Whatever.  
  
Cicero: !!! [burst into tears]  
  
Casca: You're really not yourself today. I'm off to take a leak, bye. [walks out]  
  
Cicero: [takes out a hankerchief, wipes it across his face.] Nobody understands me. I shall take some of the drug to cheer myself up. [sniffs glue. Is transported into the highest level of heaven] Hail! Muses! Give me inspiration! Money! Fame! [starts to wave his hands wildly.]  
  
[Casca walks in. sees Cicero waving his hands wildly]  
  
Casca: What the! [stares at Cicero] Oi! Ah-hah! He is sniff glue! The forbidden stuff! [pours alcohol down Cicero's throat to wake him up]  
  
Cicero: [pouts] I was having a vision.  
  
Casca: [roll eyes] You are deluded. Addicted. Whatever.  
  
Cicero: [burst into tears] BULLY ME!!! WAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Casca: [looks horrified] What the hell! Cicero?! You are definitely not yourself today. [hits Cicero on the head]  
  
Cicero: Ow! That was uncalled for! [stops crying]  
  
Casca: huh? Nvm. Here's the deal, Cicero. I caught you sniffing glue. The penalty is 1 million denariis. I want 2 million to keep this secret.  
  
Cicero: Daylight robbery! I'll pay you half of that!  
  
Casca: No. Your reputation is worth far more than that, I'm sure.  
  
Cicero: No.  
  
Casca: But what do you want the cash for? You'll die, Antony is going to kill you.  
  
Cicero: [snaps] I know that, moron. I'd prefer to die a rich man, thank you.  
  
Casca: [mutters] I rather not die.  
  
Cicero: So would I! I have no choice! So there!  
  
Casca: [scratches heads] Cicero, you don't make sense. Anyway, pay up!  
  
Cicero: No! I'll be poor! My wife would kill me if she found out.  
  
Casca: Pay up!  
  
Cicero: [looks desperate] please, Casca, I'll pay you half a million, I can't afford more than that. that's already one month's salary. accept it, I beg you!  
  
Casca: NO! I need cash! Cos I'm being weapons to- damn. I told you. Sorry Cicero. Now I have to kill you. Cos now, you know of The Secret!  
  
Cicero: but I already know the plot of the play! This is not in the script! HELP!  
  
Satan: This is my play, not Shakespeare's. Casca, kill him.  
  
Casca: Gladly. DIE! [advances on Cicero with a dagger. Cicero backs away, looking terrified. Cicero then burst into tears in the hopes that casca would run away in disgust.] ah! He's crying! I don't want to kill such a crybaby!  
  
Satan: [booms angrily] KILL HIM! I'm feeling bloodthirsty now, so rip his guts out and tear out his vocal chords.  
  
Casca: But. it's not to my benefit. and I'll lose face if I kill such a coward.  
  
Cicero: [looks offended] who are you calling coward.  
  
Satan: [glares] either you kill Cicero or I get Voldemort to kill both of you!  
  
Casca: huh?  
  
Satan: [mutters] ignorant savages. Vodemort, heel!  
  
[The Dark Lord appears, in all his macabre glory]  
  
Voldemort: You summoned me, Dark Mistress? [bows servilely.]  
  
Satan: Yes. Kill those two and you can go back and attempt to kill Harry.  
  
Voldemort: I was busy torturing someone, mistress. May I finish that job before kill this two fools?  
  
Satan: No. I want them dead now! Or else. I'll tell J.K. Rowlings to let Harry defeat you in book 5.  
  
Voldemort: Yes, oh mighty one. [advances on the two staring Romans] Are you two wizards that have annoyed my superior boss?  
  
Cicero: Huh? I am but a noble Roman, not a wizard, sir.  
  
Casca: Eh, yes. I am the Druid Cascada. This erm, non-wizard has found out the wizarding secret. Kill him, my lord!  
  
Voldemort: Er, oh mighty one, do I kill both?  
  
Satan: oh fine, since you are so wussy, just kill one, the Cicero one. [grumbles about lily-livered dark lords not worth their pay] The next time you don't listen to orders I'll sack you and get Draco Malfoy to do my bidding instead.  
  
Voldemort: [glares at Cicero] You nearly cost me my job! Die, you worthless muggle! Adva Kedava! [beam of purple light hits Cicero. He's dead.] Purple? Why is it purple?  
  
Satan: Cos I like purple. What are you complaining about? Get back to the wizarding world! [chases Voldemort away] Now, Casca, you have killed Cicero. Cassius will come in, now. Yep. Bye! [disappears]  
  
[Cassius walks in. Sees the scene of carnage before him]  
  
Cassius: So this is what you do in your free time!!!  
  
--------------------------------------------- I shall stop here. Review! 


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